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  • Writer's pictureMarcus Kowal

3 years after losing you

Today marks 3 years since the worst day of my life. A day that has taken me on a journey that no parent, no human, should have to walk. It has tested every fiber of my being, both physically and mentally. Someone asked me the other day if it feels like a long time ago or if it feels recent. I had to think about that question for a second but the answer is both. It feels like yesterday.

It feels like just days ago, you and me were playing.

I look at photos and videos with you and they seem so familiar, so recent. And then I think about all the things that have happened in the past 3 years and it feels like a life time ago. Or maybe a different life? It was a different life. A more unaware life. A life where I didn't know statistics on drunk driving, politics, bills, anxiety, nonprofits, grief, dark lobbyists, depression, and how to find your way back after having your heart crushed. I have learnt so much in the past three years. That's probably why it feels like a different life. I've learnt about friendships, relationships, values and drive.

The drive to come back.

The drive to make a difference.

The drive to leave a legacy.

In your name.

As I'm writing this, your little brother is playing next to me with your little sister, making her laugh. He's so sweet with her, just like I know you would have been with both of them. Nico can say your name now. He points at pictures and says your name. Sometimes, he confuses you for your baby sister Luna, and says her name instead. In his defense, you both do look so alike though. All three of you do.

I've also learnt that no matter how hard you are hurt, no matter how dark the world can seem, we can come back. We can be happy again.

And in the end of the day, that's all that matters.


I love you Lilla Bebisen. #rememberLiam

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